Written by Michele Wallace Campanelli
writermwc@yahoo.com
www.michelecampanelli.com
I’m Not Hopeless
My husband of fourteen years dropped dead unexpectedly at age 43 due to a massive heart attack. One moment my life seemed blissful; the next it was filled with unbelievable pain and anguish. I really miss being the center of someone’s world. Didn’t expect this. Didn’t prepare for this. Feeling of utmost importance to someone I had been taken for granted all those years. It’s true that until I lost him, I didn’t realize how much I depended, loved, and leaned on him.
No longer hearing that snore at night, I now actually missed the noise. The night grew silent. The phone remained quiet.
I was facing life without a partner now.
A widow in her forties.
Then there’s the financial side of losing my house and auctioning off most of my belongings. “I’m just downsizing.” I heard myself lie over and over. I learned in times like this who my friends really are. “I don’t want to be around someone so sad,” I overheard.
After putting out more than 250 resumes resulting in only one interview, I realized that something needed to change. I had always thought about going to get my AA but didn’t think I would get through Algebra. For guidance and maybe a way out of my depression, I made an appointment with a local psychiatrist, Dr. Jacobson. atlanticpsych.com
Sitting on his sofa, I smiled. It was one of those ones I faked to hide my pain and hoped he wouldn’t notice. I wasn’t even sure I had the strength to say it. It sounded like a crazy dream all in my own head. I stared at him for a moment and then finally got the words to come out of my mouth, “So I’ve been thinking of going back to college, at my age,” I sputtered.
“That will keep you busy and your mind set on something other than losing your husband,” he gently said. “Have you been exercising and getting a little sun? Walking helps depression.”
“Little bit,” I admitted. Most of the time just getting out of bed to start my day seemed nearly impossible.
“Try a half hour every day. It will help.”
Then my ultimate fear came out, “I don’t think I can do Algebra. These kids today are so smart!” I gasped.
“You could be a Doctor if you wanted to be.”
Did I just hear him right? Did he just say that I could be a doctor if I wanted to be? No one had ever said that to me before.
“I was offered a scholarship to EFSC for singing.” I admitted, half wondering if the doctor would see this as an incredible opportunity. “So should I do this?”
Dr. Jacobson smiled, “I believe that you can do anything you want. That’s awesome news!” He said it like he meant it.
I realized by the tone of his voice and his positive demeaner that he believed that I could actually accomplish this!
Soon I became a middle-aged woman in my forties, sitting in a college classroom. There were a few others my age but I was really scared. To be honest, I didn’t even think I would pass one class except choir. But, I did. So I signed up for more classes and then new scholarships arrived from Dr. Robert Lamb at Eastern Florida State college, the PEO, and another one even from a church. It took three tries but I eventually did pass Algebra thanks to a lot of tutoring. I got my AA, went on to the University of Central Florida to get my Bachelor’s, and then on to Southern New Hampshire University for my Masters in Fine Arts with a GPA of 3.94. Recently, I just got accepted into Trident University for my Doctorate in Education.
I had done it!
I wouldn’t have had the courage to try it if it hadn’t been for a sympathetic doctor who believed in me. I was hopeless but not helpless. I lost weight walking which lifted my depression and so did my goals of completing each class. He was right. I might just become a doctor some day. The first in my family to reach this level, I had done it. My English Professor Mother gave me supportive strength all the way. Wish my husband were here to see it but I have a feeling he’s watching from above. Even at a time of hopelessness, I wasn’t helpless because of a mental health doctor who cared enough to believe in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.
I know Michele through the Space Coast Writers’ Guild. She is a creative, talented writer. It is my pleasure to connect with her. For more tips on writing please visit her website at www.michelecampanelli.com.
